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Kids

Family: Another Reason Why Parenting Is So Hard

June 24, 2020 by Elizabeth Drake

As you may already know, I have two children, both girls, both amazing. But so very different. This has really been brought home to me over COVID as we are home together a lot.

The differences between them were really brought home when my two children wanted to lay on the recliner. My oldest child inspected the recliner, circling it, looking underneath it. She pushed on it, trying to get it to lay back. As she sat there staring at it, my younger daughter walked up to the chair, pulled the handle, and reclined it.

wisdomintelligence
My oldest has told us a tomato is a fruit and explained why.

If you play D&D, my older daughter is a wizard. She is incredibly intelligent and hard-working. She decided she was going to read shortly after her sister was born as her father and I had a lot less time to read to her. And she did it. She was reading before she started 4K, and she was reading easy chapter books in kindergarten. She loves Rick Riordan despite being in early elementary school, and she will talk your ear off about any of his series. Her math skills match, and her teacher already has her working on simple algebra, decimals, and fractions.

But, she can’t work a recliner. We also had to put her in a series of extracurricular activities in hopes of her having at least an average amount of grace (dex) and strength. Which have had varying degrees of success. She still struggled to open the wrapper on her granola bar.

Then there’s her sister, who we expected to be similar. Same parents. Same house. Right? Wrong.

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Yep.

She is far more like a cleric than a wizard. She’s the one that pulls the handle on the recliner to make it recline. She’s also the one that when she can’t open the granola bar wrapper, gets the scissors off my desk and cuts it open. Yeah, she’s not yet in kindergarten.

She can also be brilliant, but whereas my older child is extremely motivated, my younger one is… not. She’s more like a diesel locomotive. Completely inert unless you motivate her. Even then, it’s a slow steady crawl at first. But once she decides she wants it and gets going? Whoooboy. Not much will stop her. The trick is figuring out how to motivate that diesel locomotive. Which I have not yet learned.

She is also incredibly creative. In Minecraft, she has built these elaborate worlds within worlds. She was explaining them to me the other night, and I was fascinated. So cool, so pure, in a completely uncomplicated way. Then, if you ever listen to her play, her imagination is amazing. She was explaining to me this whole fairy world and how the one had “the blood of the snow”. I still don’t know what that means, but it sounds cool.

Parenting is the hardest thing ever. Just when you think you’ve figured something out, they prove you wrong. But it is an interesting ride.

Filed Under: Family, Uncategorized Tagged With: COVID, COVID-19, Family, intelligence, Kids, Motivation, parenting, wisdom

Things are Weird

March 22, 2020 by Elizabeth Drake

I am not going to belabor the COVID-19 outbreak, nor am I going to minimize it.

My family is struggling. Frankly, eight days cooped up together is a lot. My husband has a cold. Every time he coughs, we jump. But yes, just a cold, thankfully.

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How we all feel with a cold.

I turn on the news only to turn it off again. I am doing what I can with social distancing. There is little more I can do right now.

We have no idea when or even if the kids will go back to school this year.

Grocery shopping is a nightmare.

The fear over if we will have a job in a few weeks also looms large. We live America where there really is no social safety net. We are fortunate that we have some savings to see us through, but the threat of unemployment is very real.

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Not the good kind.

Through all of this, I have been…writing. Yeah. I know.

I’ve basically tuned it to what I need to, then I have buried my head in the sand with my imaginary characters.

I finished one book during this time and am 30k words into a second. Yeah, burying my head.

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There will be knights. Mages, too!

I don’t know what else to do.

I look forward to a return to some normalcy. To at least knowing what we face rather than just being afraid all the time.

Until then, I pick up my sword and shield, and face the demons of the unknown in the dark.

Filed Under: COVID, Uncategorized Tagged With: being sick sucks, characters, COVID-19, Family, grocery shopping, Job Loss, jobs, Kids, Knight, knights, loss, News, Sick, Writing

Family: Parenting Is Hard. Especially for an Introvert

August 15, 2019 by Elizabeth Drake

Not that I thought parenting was going to be easy, but it is so much harder than I thought it was going to be.

I love my kids. I love snuggling with them, hearing about their days, and seeing them grow as people. They are amazing.

But I honestly think parenting is even harder if you are an introvert.

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I understand why 1950s moms drank.

I’ve learned to tolerate the hour a day it takes to pick them up from school.

I still dislike sitting through dance class week after week, but I manage, mostly because I plan ahead with books and snacks for the child stuck sitting with me.

Then there is all the other things you have to remember to do, like buying new fall jackets after they lost theirs at the zoo. Or, just in general, noticing their pants are getting too short or they need new socks and underwear. There’s the yearly purchase of winter gear etc.

These are all things I can handle. I may not be good at them, but I an handle them.

Then there are other things that you feel obligated to do because kids should experience them even if you would really rather not. Really, really rather not.

Like the children’s museum.

Or a water park.

Or state fair.

I hate crowds. Hate them.

Too many people. Too much noise. Too many distractions.

I feel overloaded.

Add to that trying to keep track of two children in the middle of all of that, one who wants to go, go, go, and the other who wants to walk slowly and observe everything and you have an introvert’s nightmare.

This was brought home to me when I made the mistake of going to the state fair with my husband and kids.

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And your sanity.

Before children, we never went to the state fair. It was of no interest to us. Then some friends invited us to go with and bring the girls. My husband took them, and I stayed home. My allergies thanked me, and he and the kids had a great time, and I got some quiet alone time. Win-win.

Then this year there was a spate of shootings right before they went to the fair.

Fueled by fear, I begged my husband not to take the kids. The last place I wanted them to be was another large public venue.

He said he wouldn’t live life in fear, he’d promised the kids the fair, and they were going with our friends.

I am not entirely certain why I chose to go other than fear. Fear that I wouldn’t be there to protect my little ones if the unthinkable happened. Not that I could do much other than throw myself over top of them, but it still seemed like a smart idea in our quiet home that morning.

It wasn’t a good idea.

The fair is everything I hate.

Hot. Crowded. Overstimulated and Bored.

Overstimulated.png
Me and both my children.

Is that possible to be overstimulated and bored at the same time?

I wouldn’t have thought so, but it is. I felt assaulted by smells from food vendors, noise from the crowds and bands, and the visual panoply of booths, rides, and people. Add to that the heat, the low grade fear from the evening news, and the very real need to keep a close eye on two energetic kids.

But none of this entertained me.

I couldn’t enjoy my time with our friends as I was too stressed. Sitting and waiting for my kids to get off of rides was not exactly exciting. And the heat made eating less desirable. Even when I was hungry, nothing tasted all that good because of the assault of smells from everything else.

Still, I tried my best to give my kids a great time. This was made all the more difficult by not knowing what to expect, so being unprepared for it.

My husband is great at going with the flow of things, and I figured he had everything all set for the big day.

Love him dearly, but no.

I will stick to what I am better at.

Next year, when/if he takes the kids, I will stay home. I will make sure he has enough cash, sunscreen, and water bottles packed in a backpack. I will make sure he has tickets and ride bracelets. I will make sure they have a spectacular time.

While I enjoy the quiet.

I accept I am an introvert. This means there are some thing I won;t be able to give my kids other parents can. I also think this means we are not doing Disney.

Filed Under: Family, Uncategorized Tagged With: children, dance, Introvert, Kids, Museum, parenting, Romance Writer, State Fair, Water Park

Lean In?

June 27, 2019 by Elizabeth Drake

I have never denied how busy I am or how many more hours I would like in a day.

Spouse, children, day job, writing, family…I never feel like I have enough time for everything.

When time management books tell me to cut back on my television time…I can’t tell you the last thing I watched for me. Yes, I have watched Nailed It with the kids, and I have seen waaay more than my fair share of Octonauts. But other than that, I have not watched TV or movies for myself in ages.

KidsProgrammingShows
Only 47?!?

And now I consider whether or not I should take a more active role in my girls’ love of dance. I will never be a “dance mom”, and I will never see dance as more than an enjoyable way for them to move their bodies and get some exercise. We live in a really cold state. It’s an indoor sport. Seems like a good fit.

And they love it.

My youngest daughter was running around the house pretending to be Link from Legend of Zelda wielding her sword and shield and taking on “bad guys”.

LinkShieldBackpack
LinkMasterSword

Why, yes, she does have gamer parents. Why do you ask?

When it was time to go to her dance recital, she was singing the theme song to Dino Trucks as we got her dressed in her beautiful purple sparkly dance dress kind of like this one.

I love the variety little girls have to choose from today!

Dinotrux
Daughter’s favorite show ever.

She was so excited to be going to her dance recital, and she couldn’t wait to show us “her moves”. My little one, who is normally not a fan of the spotlight, got up on stage in front of a sold-out theater and did her best.

My oldest daughter overcame stage fright so she could dance.

Not sure I am allowed to admit this, but I am amazed how graceful and coordinated she is on stage! If you saw her off stage…

We are also blessed that we found a dance studio that truly is inclusive. The girls range in size from almost six feet tall to barely five feet. Some are thin some are not and some are very heavy. But all move together beautifully, and I love seeing the diversity on stage. I love seeing girls, of any size or shape, dancing and enjoying the freedom of movement.

Of course, now my oldest daughter wants to do “everything”.

Dance is expensive. Then, you have to drive them to class and wait for them. And she has a sister who will want to do “everything” with her.

As we’re trying to figure out transportation, which classes we can actually do, how many is “too many”, etc, I am also asking myself if I should be more involved.

Should I volunteer for things? If this is really going to be important to my daughters, how much should I get involved?

Do I want to?

Well, no.

dancemoms

Do I want to doing something with my girls that’s important to them?

Of course.

I am just not sure how all of this works. What the right path is.

It’s all new territory to me. And the parenting books forgot to mention this back when we were trying to learn all about the joys and pitfalls of children.

 

 

Filed Under: Family Tagged With: dance, dance class, Dance moms, dance recital, Kids, Legend of Zelda, Make time, romance author, Romance Writer, television, time, time management, Zelda

Tired of Feeling Bad for Being a Working Mom

May 23, 2019 by Elizabeth Drake

Can you tell I am trying to figure out summer care, dance class schedules, and school transportation?

There are plenty of articles out there answering why people are choosing to not have children at all or are having far fewer than they would like.

I did choose to have them even with several of these misgivings, and I am tired of feeling bad for doing so while being a working mom.

I am also tired of a society designed around having one parent that stays at home if you do have children.

WorkingMom.png
Yeah, those free Tuesday morning dance camp e-mails always get a scowl.

Don’t believe that the system isn’t designed for working parents? I know, it can be hard to believe that in 2019 the school system can still think it’s 1953, so here are some of my challenges.

My daughter is in school for a total of seven hours a day. That includes her lunchtime and recess.

Seven.

I have to work eight for it to be a full day, and my lunchtime is not considered part of my workday. That means even with my relatively short 20 minute commute, I am almost three hours short on the amount of time she’s in school versus the amount of time I am at work or traveling to and from work.

So, I pay for “wrap-around” care. On top of daycare for my youngest, and my youngest’s daycare costs us the equivalent of having a second mortgage payment each month.

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College in my state is cheaper.

And the article linked above wonders why people think daycare is too expensive.

Of course, you could stay home. Always an option. But as many other articles have noted, you’re paying a premium for that both in terms of total lifetime earnings, but also in terms of promotion and advancement opportunities. Being “mommy tracked” in my industry is a career-limiting-move.

And, frankly, I love my kids. I would do almost anything for them, but I suck at dealing with kids. I have no training in it, and even now, I regularly feel sorry for my kids that they got stuck with me instead of someone that has a clue how to raise them.

Do you know how many parenting books I read?

books-768426_640

Do you know how many were helpful?

Yeah, none. Because as I learned, kids don’t follow manuals.

They eventually outgrow daycare, so you’re “just” paying for the wrap-around care. Then there’s the extracurricular activities. Back when I was a kid, these were truly “extra”. Now, the amount of pressure to have your kid in everything is amazing.

What do you mean your child isn’t in soccer, ballet, basketball, volleyball, and taking piano lessons?!? What kind of parent are you?

One that works.

All of these extra-curricular activities require transportation to and from them (not to mention the additional cost). Because of course I can leave work at 3pm to fetch my daughter and have her to dance class before 4pm. /end sarcasm.

And I am not alone. In families with both parents still living together, almost 50% are dual income households.

And driving their kids places is a significant stressor.

I need a self-driving car just to cart my daughter to and from her activities. Which, I limited her to two because I truly believe kids need time to play and engage their imagination.

There’s that writer in me.

Filed Under: Family, Uncategorized Tagged With: child care, children, Kids, kids activities, Summer, working mom, writer

Financial Sacrifices For Kids

March 7, 2019 by Elizabeth Drake

I work with numbers for my day job, so sometimes, it bleeds over into other things. Like when I think of my children.

I love my children, I truly do. But sometimes, I feel selfish for having them. I feel like children are really only for the very wealthy or those willing to make a lot of sacrifices for them.

Once, there wasn’t the same choice about having children. You either abstained entirely, or you had the number of children you did. And that was that.

Now, children are a choice. At least in my part of the world they are.

And children are expensive.

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Cute now but just wait.

You either have to quit working (loss of an income) or pay for childcare. Children under two years old cost approximately $300 per week for care in my area. Over two and it slowly edges down each year to approximately $225 per week right before they start kindergarten.

Unless you are fortunate enough to have parent willing to watch your children, this is going to be a significant expense during their younger years.

Then comes after-school care, sports, trips to Washington DC, etc. Also, remember you are still going to be paying for summer care. Here in the US, that’s twelve weeks of care, not counting the four weeks of holidays sprinkled throughout the rest of the year.

Care is expensive.

This is by far our largest expense, and while it is brutal, I  as a parent, I make it so that my kids get the care they deserve. These younger years are so important.

Still working on sacrificing my video game, though.

GamerParents
Super Smash Brothers is awesome!

Finally, they turn eighteen, and you have no more legal obligation or control over them. They are an adult and you hope and pray you have done your job and raised a good person.

Except, that’s when they hit you with one of the biggest bills yet.

College.

Can you tell I recently got my Edvest statement? I’ve been saving for each of my children since they had a social security number for me to open an account in their name, and I still don’t have enough for saved for either of them to pay for a single year at a state school.

And it baffles me why parents are expected to pay for their kids’ college at this point.

Not a little additional something. Not just lodging or food. The whole, entire thing.

How is it that a separate, legal adult’s financial aid is based on their parent’s income? A separate, legal adult whose parents can’t see their grades or medical history? Can’t even see their kids finances because their child is an adult?

Shouldn’t financial aid be based on the adult applying for admission’s income at the time? Or the future income that they expect to earn from whatever degree they’re seeking?

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What is the cost of the tassel?

Besides, as many people will tell you, their parents income is no barometer for their parents willingness to spend that income on their children’s schooling. Particularly when that schooling costs more than a new car each year.

Especially as many parents are now being asked to pay that at the same time the parents are approaching retirement themselves.

I have several women in my department who are working solely to help put their kids through school. These kids are lucky. One of the people in my department has a mountain of debt because she couldn’t get any financial aid because of her parents’ income, but they wouldn’t pay anything for her school once she turned eighteen.

We’ve chosen to buy a much smaller house and own our cars much longer just to afford daycare. We also opened college savings accounts for our daughters as soon as they were born. This seems ludicrous to me. How is it that so much is being dedicated to these handful of years of schooling? Why are they so expensive? Is the payback really there at this price?

Signing-for-college-loans.jpg

By the time my daughters get to be college age, would they be better off working for a couple of years and taking the $250,000 a four year degree would cost them and starting their own business?

Interesting thing is I learned more working (and getting paid) my first year in the Big 4 than I did all four years at a very reputable college.

But I couldn’t have gotten that job without the degree and mountain of debt that came with it.

My spouse and I had a long talk about it, and we will save what we can for our children. But in the end, it will have to be their choice and their cost.

They will get what is in their savings account. When that is gone, the rest will be on them.

If they choose to take advanced placement classes in high school, and take those classes seriously, we won’t ask them to work. Placing well on those exams will be worth far more to them than what they would make at a part time job.

It’s a really hard decision, but I see no other way. We can only give them so much, sacrifice so much. We love them dearly, but it does drive home the point that we have a very broken education system when parents have to spend a lifetime saving and it’s still not enough.

 

Filed Under: Family, Uncategorized Tagged With: child care, children, college, financial sacrifices, Kids, Personal Finance

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