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Specter of Change Haunts Again

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Change is not something humans tend to love. I mean, Harvard can’t be wrong.

But more seriously, change is difficult. Change is stressful. There’s a reason why some of the most traumatic things in life involve change: death, new job, relocation, etc.

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Every mom’s life.

For those of you who have been following me for a while, you know I have two small children. For those who are new (hi! glad to see you!), I have two small children and a demanding day job.

For better or worse, I am the primary income in our house, and after trying being a stay-at-home dad during his paternity leave, my husband was so ready to go back to work. That meant we had to find quality childcare.

It’s insanely expensive (basically another mortgage payment per child you have in daycare), but we figured there is little more important to us than our kids, even our retirement, so we grumble and pay it. Yes, it’s meant having a smaller house and older cars, but it really didn’t feel like a choice.

We searched, found a really good daycare center, and our oldest child thrived there. She taught herself to read before she started 4K. She loved the other kids and the socialization. She loved showing off her skills and the praise it earned her. It made her work even harder. It was the perfect place for her.

But, the center had some turnover. Some of the teachers we loved have gone on to do other things. Our second child is not nearly as outgoing or self-motivated as her sister. Unless you give her a nudge, she’s happy playing by herself. She sort of cares if you’re happy with her, but she is much more concerned with pleasing herself.

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I am waiting for the day.

Yes, the teenage years for both are going to be quite the challenge for us!

Thing is, my youngest wasn’t getting the nudge she needed (okay, full on shove sometimes).

I started doing a little bit of research back at Christmas to find a new center, but then some other things came up concerning her. While everything turned out okay, it convinced me this was not the right place for her.

I discussed what was happening this with a couple of people who have a master’s degrees in teaching, and they all made me feel much better about my decision to change day care centers. Still, it’s a big decision, even if I think it’s the right one.

Now, for the huge undertaking to find a place that will be a better fit for our little one!

How about you? Ever have to make a decision like this? Or something similar? How did you know you needed a change? How did you go about deciding how to make that change?

Why Change Sucks

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Change sucks. We all know it. It’s why there are entire books , seminars, and courses in change management.

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Humans are resistant to change, and there are reasons why. I won’t go into the historical reasons why, but here in the modern day, we like knowing what to do. We like being right. We like figuring things out once and them going smoothly.

We don’t look discord. We don’t like screwing up. We don’t like failure. All of those things are significantly easier to do when you’re making changes.

My family has been going through a lot of change lately.

  • My husband started a new job last December, and it wasn’t a choice. They were re-organizing, his position was eliminated, but he fortunately was able to find a similar position in a different part of the company. Still, it’s a lot of change.
    • New bosses who aren’t as good at communicating (I keep trying to tell him that’s the norm, but he’s still skeptical).
    • A different set of expectations.
    • A lot of other new people in his new group
    • A series of people out on FMLA have made the transition even harder. Hopefully, in the next few months, things will calm down and he can learn what his new job really is.

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  • My daughter started kindergarten. You’d think that would be no big deal, but I have found the difference between private daycare and public kindergarten striking. Communication is much different.
    • At daycare, I had a daily two minute informal conversation with the teachers and always knew what was going on.
    • Now, I’m not even allowed near the classroom for security issues. I get it, but it’s still hard.
    • Things like billing, which was previously direct-pulled from my bank account, isn’t possible in public schools. I have to remember to get cash for some things AND remember to go to their online portal for a slew of others. There are no low balance messages to let me know I need to replenish my daughter’s lunch money.

 

Yeah, we’re figuring it out, but it’s still a change. A big one.

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I’m also still dealing with some medical issues, and that’s never any fun.

Balancing all of this and writing has been hard. Very hard. But I refuse to give up this time. I have put off writing so many times in my life to focus on things like my career, grad school, and kids that I’m now mammogram age. I don’t have time to put it off any longer. So yeah, that’s a change, too.

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And I can tell you, during grad school, I read my fair share of change management books. I even dusted off a few lately, but they’re about as useful to me now as they were then.

 

Do you have any tips and pointers? Any way that you’ve successfully dealt with change? Or did you just soldier through it?

 

Facing Rejection

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I hear myself telling DD1 all the time that it doesn’t matter if she succeeds or fails, I’m proud of her for trying her hardest. For really putting in the effort. She sometimes believes me, and other times I get the annoyed preschooler look.

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I totally don’t deserve it.

But, I have to walk the walk now that I’ve written, edited, rewrote, edited, rewrote again, and finally polished Crowned Prince.

I decided I wanted to try getting an agent and go the traditional publishing route if possible. There are pros and cons to both indie publishing and traditional, but I at least wanted to try traditional. Partially for their experience, but mostly for their amazing editors.

I know, I know, but one is not in the budget for us right now. While I take my writing seriously, I also take paying for two kids in daycare seriously. Don’t know if it’s like this everywhere, but where I live, my daycare bill is about twice the cost of an average mortgage payment. So, yeah, not much else is in the budget right now.

If I’m going to find an agent, I need to either meet one at a conference or query one. As a mom with two small children who works full time already, finding time or money for a conference also isn’t in the budget. So that means querying.

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Not this kind of querying.

And being rejected A LOT.

I have a feeling your chances of getting in to Harvard are probably better. After all, they accept 5.2% of their applicants. But, if I want to get an agent, I have to query them.

This is like a lot of things in life.

  • Maybe you don’t like your job, but that means putting yourself out there to find a new one.
  • Maybe you’re single and want to meet someone.
  • Maybe you want to be an actor, but that means showing up for the auditions.

Everything is life is scarce. And the more you want it, the more of yourself you have to put out there to get it.

That means facing the very real risk of rejection. Of failure. Or not being good enough. Talented enough. Just not enough.

The platitude of at least you tried your hardest feels less genuine then, though, really, that’s when it matters most. Trying. Not giving up.

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Persistence in the face of rejection is especially hard when you put so much of yourself into something. Like a job. Or a relationship. Or writing a book. Because this feels like a personal rejection. And we’re a heard animal. It’s ingrained in us to be part of the pack as those that weren’t usually didn’t have a happy ending.

But, I must face failure. I have to try, as I tell my daughter she must.

So I started the process. Looking up agents, trying to see who they represent and what they sell to see if I’ll be a fit. I even queried a few.

And got my first rejection.

It hurt less than I thought it would. But it still hurt.

 

How about you? Ever put yourself out there for something? Maybe a new job? A relationship? A book query? How did it go? Did it go better than you thought? If it didn’t, was the rejection or failure as bad as you thought it’d be?