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Introvert

Family: Parenting Is Hard. Especially for an Introvert

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Not that I thought parenting was going to be easy, but it is so much harder than I thought it was going to be.

I love my kids. I love snuggling with them, hearing about their days, and seeing them grow as people. They are amazing.

But I honestly think parenting is even harder if you are an introvert.

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I understand why 1950s moms drank.

I’ve learned to tolerate the hour a day it takes to pick them up from school.

I still dislike sitting through dance class week after week, but I manage, mostly because I plan ahead with books and snacks for the child stuck sitting with me.

Then there is all the other things you have to remember to do, like buying new fall jackets after they lost theirs at the zoo. Or, just in general, noticing their pants are getting too short or they need new socks and underwear. There’s the yearly purchase of winter gear etc.

These are all things I can handle. I may not be good at them, but I an handle them.

Then there are other things that you feel obligated to do because kids should experience them even if you would really rather not. Really, really rather not.

Like the children’s museum.

Or a water park.

Or state fair.

I hate crowds. Hate them.

Too many people. Too much noise. Too many distractions.

I feel overloaded.

Add to that trying to keep track of two children in the middle of all of that, one who wants to go, go, go, and the other who wants to walk slowly and observe everything and you have an introvert’s nightmare.

This was brought home to me when I made the mistake of going to the state fair with my husband and kids.

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And your sanity.

Before children, we never went to the state fair. It was of no interest to us. Then some friends invited us to go with and bring the girls. My husband took them, and I stayed home. My allergies thanked me, and he and the kids had a great time, and I got some quiet alone time. Win-win.

Then this year there was a spate of shootings right before they went to the fair.

Fueled by fear, I begged my husband not to take the kids. The last place I wanted them to be was another large public venue.

He said he wouldn’t live life in fear, he’d promised the kids the fair, and they were going with our friends.

I am not entirely certain why I chose to go other than fear. Fear that I wouldn’t be there to protect my little ones if the unthinkable happened. Not that I could do much other than throw myself over top of them, but it still seemed like a smart idea in our quiet home that morning.

It wasn’t a good idea.

The fair is everything I hate.

Hot. Crowded. Overstimulated and Bored.

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Me and both my children.

Is that possible to be overstimulated and bored at the same time?

I wouldn’t have thought so, but it is. I felt assaulted by smells from food vendors, noise from the crowds and bands, and the visual panoply of booths, rides, and people. Add to that the heat, the low grade fear from the evening news, and the very real need to keep a close eye on two energetic kids.

But none of this entertained me.

I couldn’t enjoy my time with our friends as I was too stressed. Sitting and waiting for my kids to get off of rides was not exactly exciting. And the heat made eating less desirable. Even when I was hungry, nothing tasted all that good because of the assault of smells from everything else.

Still, I tried my best to give my kids a great time. This was made all the more difficult by not knowing what to expect, so being unprepared for it.

My husband is great at going with the flow of things, and I figured he had everything all set for the big day.

Love him dearly, but no.

I will stick to what I am better at.

Next year, when/if he takes the kids, I will stay home. I will make sure he has enough cash, sunscreen, and water bottles packed in a backpack. I will make sure he has tickets and ride bracelets. I will make sure they have a spectacular time.

While I enjoy the quiet.

I accept I am an introvert. This means there are some thing I won;t be able to give my kids other parents can. I also think this means we are not doing Disney.

Running Out of Time

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Are we really as time deficient as we think? We all seem to be constantly running out of time, or claiming we never have enough of it.

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Maybe both.

 

A quick Google search will reveal oodles of articles on time management and how to get more done in less time. (Hint: it involves turning off Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, etc.)

We all think that the modern world is super stressful and that we never have time for anything, but a look back through history tells us of twelve and fourteen hour work days. It tells us Saturday was long considered as much a work day as Monday. Only the Sabbath was taken off, and then it wasn’t a day of rest, but a day of prayer.

I know, sounds like some people’s jobs, especially with all of the connectivity, but it still doesn’t answer why are we feeling so particularly time-crunched now.

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I did some Google research, and I didn’t find a lot of articles out there. So I did a little introspection.

I can honestly say I didn’t feel the same level of stress and pressure before having children as I did after. They are a monumental task in our society, which many people from previous generations have told me was not always the case. I’m not entirely sure why the sudden pressure on parents to perfectly organize, arrange and educate their children, but I can tell you that it’s there.

The days of kids riding their bikes and hanging out have been replaced with soccer camps, computer programming classes, and “enrichment” activities.

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And it only gets worse.

I’ve also learned that commutation between parents and care-givers, whether kindergarten or formal pre-school, is difficult. This adds to confusion and makes everything take longer.

Yet, for me anyway, it’s more than this.

For me, the lack of time stems from me not being able to do all that I want to get done. Mainly, writing and the corresponding social media presence that entails. For a friend of mine, it means not getting to work on her jewelry making. For another, it means not getting to ride her horse.

This is why I feel time pressured. My choices for entertainment are greater than they’ve ever been, and most are instantly available, at the same time that so many other obligations have been added.

How many of us really want to chauffeur our kid to dance class and then watch a room of kindergartners try to master basic ballet steps before carting them home? I think we’d all rather be binge watching something on Netflix. Or reading. Or writing.

For me, the feeling of never having enough time started around the time I realized I had to be social to write books. I mostly love writing, but as you may have noticed, I’m a bit of an introvert. Okay, a lot of an introvert. Social media is hard for me. While writing felt like an unpaid part time job, the social media aspect made it feel like a full time job, on top of kids, a spouse, and a day job.

This is why I feel time crunched.

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About right.

What to do about it?

Well, the kids are non-negotiable. Most days. That means the day job to support them and everything that goes with them is non-negotiable.

Not entirely sure what to do about the writing. I should complete three first draft novels this year. Two are already done, and the third is halfway there. Not exactly the four most romance writers produce a year, so even with as much time as I’ve committed, I’m not quite at the romance author level. And, that doesn’t account for revisions. All of my work needs serious revision.

The logical answer would be to set aside writing, but I’m not willing to do that. I’ve been writing since I was a kid. I clearly want to do this thing, and I’ve already put it off too many decades.

So, back to feeling like I never have enough time.

 

How about you? How do you balance family commitments with you professional life and hobbies? When was the last time you binge watched on Netflix? Any real life tips for making a serious hobby work with family and work?

Burnout According to Science

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After feeling rather burned out and then not being able to get myself back on track, I started to wonder if there was any science behind the phenomena of burnout.

There is. Lots of it. Apparently, I’m not alone.

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According to Psychology Today   “The cynicism, depression, and lethargy of burnout can occur when you’re not in control of how you carry out your job, when you’re working toward goals that don’t resonate with you, and when you lack social support. If you don’t tailor your responsibilities to match your true calling, or at least take a break once in a while, you could face a mountain of mental and physical health problems.”

While some of this doesn’t resonate, enough does.

The whole being in control thing is a big deal for us Type A personalities. And I have a lot of control at my day job. It may not be my life’s calling, but I’m good at it. Writing, on the other hand . . .

I have no control over it at all.

Despite the hours I’ve poured into both reading and writing, the classes I’ve taken, and the books I’ve read, I have no control.  I’ve been working on this for the majority of my life, yet I keep walking away from it.

Why?

Because no matter how much work I put into it, I have no control over the results. Self-publishing has changed some of this, but I still have no control over the success or failure of a book.

Then there’s the hard truth about branding and social media presence that goes along with being an author.

I was not on any social media until it was driven home to me that I had to be in order to be an author. I don’t like social media. I avoided it for years for a reason. So the whole line about responsibilities matching your true calling… Maybe I’m meant to be a writer, but I’m most assuredly not meant to be a social media personality.

If you poke around on Psychology today, you’ll come across this article that further explains that burnout is chronic stress that leads to:

  • physical and emotional exhaustion
  • cynicism and detachment
  • feelings of ineffectiveness and lack of accomplishment

I can honestly say yes to all three of those.

The article also says when you are truly burned out, you can no longer function effectively on a personal or professional level.  So, at least I’m not totally burned out. I mean, I can still function at work at with my family.

Sure, I’m a bit more short-tempered lately, but I can function.

Right, guys? Right?!?

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And let me tell you how much BS there is with two small humans

The article does say burnout doesn’t happen all at once, that it creeps up on us though it does give us some some signs.

I went through the list and noted several below, but it’s hard to parse out what’s just a part of life and what isn’t.

Signs of Burnout

1.Chronic fatigue.  Okay, so what modern American doesn’t this apply to? Especially a working mom with a toddler?

2. Insomnia. Only if you count being woken up repeatedly in the middle of the night by a child suffering from night terrors. Otherwise, I am exhausted at the end of the day and within minutes of my head hitting the pillow, I am usually asleep

3. Forgetfulness/impaired concentration and attention. I blame Twitter for this.

4. Physical symptoms. They include a list of things to look for, among them headaches, but it’s hard to know the difference between normal migraines and burnout induced ones.

5. Increased illness. Children are walking, talking Petri dishes. The moment I see the sign up at daycare that some new disease is sweeping through the center, I know it’s coming home with me.

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6. Loss of appetite. This is one thing I’d actually take. I’ve been on the other side of this lately with increased appetite.

7. Anxiety. I am a Type A personality. When am I not anxious or worried about something?

8. Depression. Nothing really to say here. While I don’t think I’m experiencing it, it’s too big of a deal to make a snarky observation.

9. Loss of enjoyment. Here we go. This is definitely something I am enduring. I just don’t like writing like I used to. Part of it is definitely feeling the need to do things I really don’t like. Like Facebook. That looms over me, steals writing time, and starts to flavor the entire writing experience.

10. Pessimism. Is there any artist that doesn’t feel this way, especially if they haven’t been “discovered” or published? Might even be worse once you are “discovered” as then I’d constantly worry if I was a fraud or not.

11. Isolation. Introvert here. I like people. Sometimes. In moderation.

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12. Detachment. Hmmm, I have been feeling more detached from my work. Caring less about the characters.

13. Increased irritability. Remember the two kids I love and would do almost anything for? They are very demanding, and I have been losing my temper more lately. Might be burnout or the result of living with a toddler and preschooler.

14. Lack of productivity and poor performance. My word count has definitely been suffering.

As I read through this list, it makes me think what I’m experiencing isn’t such a big deal. Clearly, I’m on the lighter side of burnout.

It’s still real for me, and it’s affecting me.

I need to do more thinking on this. Think more about what’s leading to burnout and what I can control.

Control. That, I believe, may be key.

 

How about you? Any of these describe you? Ever felt burned out before? What did you do to combat it?

It's Like Dating All Over Again

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That sick feeling in your stomach. Are they going to say yes? What if they say no? If they say no, does that mean they don’t like me? Or does it just mean they’re already busy that weekend.

Sounds so much like dating, but it’s really just me trying to make other “mom” friends.

Making friends for an introvert is hard. Making friends as an adult introvert is even harder.

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Funny thing. I’m not even a dog person.

 

It’s an introvert’s nightmare.

I didn’t grow up where we live now, and lots of people in this area have never lived anywhere else. The rust belt isn’t exactly a hot spot for people to move to, so that means most people around here have known each other since grade school.

It also means there aren’t a lot of new people moving into the area. One of the hazards of falling in love with someone from the frozen tundra.

My situation is further compounded by the fact that most of our current friends are either childless or their children are older. As in getting ready to graduate from high school older.

So, you can see how I’ve become a bit of the odd-man-out. Not because anyone is trying to be mean, but it’s a lot harder for us to do stuff now than it was before having children. Especially having two children.

So, I decided the best thing to do was try to make other mom friends. Ideally, we could send the kids off to play and the moms could hang out together.

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Except, that’s a lot easier than it sounds. Especially for an introvert.

I’m at the beginning of this journey, and it makes me scared and nervous. Still, I joined a Facebook group for working moms in my area. We’ve been trying to meet, but the weather has been awful. Of course, we all want to meet on neutral ground and scope each other out to make sure we’re all okay. Maybe this summer.

My daughter was begging me for a play date with one of her friends, so I did ask her friend and her mom over for lunch. They came!!

Interestingly, when her mom e-mailed back that they could come over, I was elated. Until we got closer to the actual day, and then I got that sinking feeling all over again.

Why?

Because this is not my preferred way to spend time. I love hanging out with a few select people that really get me and I get them. But someone I don’t know? *shivers* Still, how do you get to know someone if you don’t go through the awkward stage first?

It was a tough stilted conversation at first, mostly talking about our kids as that’s what we had in common.

*sigh*

There has to be more to me than kids now, right?!?

I hope it’ll get better. Of course, it doesn’t help that interacting with people I don’t know is hard for me.

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After the three hour play date, I was literally worn out. I had a person I didn’t know, in my home, and I was trying to talk to them.

Yeah. Like running a 5K for an introvert.

 

How about you? Ever try to make friends as an adult? How did you do it? What worked, what didn’t? Maybe you have a funny story?

 

My Secret Envy

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Envy is never a good emotion. It’s one of the seven deadly sins, after all.

Still, I gotta admit to it, especially when it comes to my male co-workers. Here are six things I really envy.

 

1. Shoes

I cannot tell you how envious I am of my male co-workers’ shoes. They are not expected to sport heels of any sort. Their shoes are designed for comfort, and it’s easy for them to get shoes with non-slip soles for our floors. We’re a heavy manufacturer, so we don’t have carpet anywhere except the CEO and President’s office. That’s it. So, those leather or synthetic soles on the bottoms of most women’s shoes turns the floors into an ice skating rink. We’ve actually had several women slip and fall on the floors.

 

Seriously, which looks more practical to you? Which do you want to walk the shop floor in? Or even walk to the bathroom wearing?

So yes, I buck this trend, and I accept the “hit” to my professional appearance accordingly.

 

2. Hair

Men can “do” their hair in about 2.3 minutes. The concept of a bad hair day is about as alien to them as putting their feet in shoes designed for Barbie rather than the anatomical realities of a human foot.

Men don’t have to blow dry, straighten, curl, or figure out which products do what. Best of all, most of the men I know get their hair cut for under $25 including tip. Yeah, that’s less than half the going rate in my area for a woman’s haircut.

If you talk to most guys about coloring their hair, they’ll look at you like you’re speaking Swahili. Yet, women over a certain age are expected to color their hair. Heck, it doesn’t even matter if you’re of a certain age. The moment that grey starts to peak through, you’re expected to take care of it.

I hate going to the salon. Not only is it expensive, but I have to sit there while people I don’t know touch me and try to make conversation. Is there any more of a nightmare for an introvert?

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I am fortunate that I don’t yet have any grey hair. Yeah, I know, odd, but true. When I do start to go grey, I will have to make a hard decision on whether or not I buck the trend. Given my allergies, I am not sure I could even tolerate the chemicals.

Still, I’m jealous of my male counterparts that are considered distinguished with grey hair rather than just “old”.

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3. Make Up

As I confessed in this post, I already don’t wear it. I can’t.

As a professional woman, there’s a price to pay for this. My male counterparts are expected NOT to wear makeup. A few lines or wrinkles adds distinction.

If only…

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4. Pants

I work in heavy manufacturing. Wearing skirts or dresses, while possible, is pretty impractical. Even if I didn’t work in manufacturing, dresses are really impractical. I want to see a man put on pantyhose just once. Or having to sit with their legs just so. Or worrying about skirt length as they’re walking up or down stairs.

However, buying pants as a woman is a nightmare.

I can buy my husband’s khakis in about 3 clicks. Wrinkle resistant? Yep. Waist size? Yep. Inseam? Yep. Click buy and 95% of the time they fit perfectly.

Women’s pants don’t come in inseams. Or waist sizes. I think this is a ploy to keep tailors in business. See, I have to scour the internet to find a pair of weirdly sized pants (what exactly does 8, 10 and 12 relate to?!?), and once I find a pair that fits  (the size of which will vary by brand, by cut, and by phase of the moon), I then get to take them to the tailor and have them hemmed to fit me and the waist taken in.

I once asked a sales clerk why the pants were so darn long as I walked on the hems while trying them on. I’m average height for an American woman, so why don’t the pants fit me? She explained that they’re designed for women to wear shoes like the ones above. Um, yeah. I’ll just keep paying the tailor.

 

5. Bras

My male coworkers don’t wear them.

I cannot explain the “joy” of wearing one, or how long and hard you have to look to find the right one. I once told my husband to imagine having to wear a jock strap constantly. But, having never had to wear one, I have no idea if it’s accurate. The way he squirmed when I said that made me think it’s at least part way there.

 

6. Underwear

Men buy them in packs of 6 for under $20.  ‘Nuf said.

 

How about you? Ever feel envy for something, even if it was something small? What was it and why?

Five Things I Learned as a "Professional" Writer

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I was recently fortunate enough to have three days where the kids were in daycare, and I was home from work. DH and I decided that we didn’t want the girls to completely get out of their routine over the holiday season, and he was fine with me spending these days getting some house stuff done and writing.

So, for three days, I got to spend most of my time writing. Here’s what I learned:

1. Errands Take Longer Than You Think – Among the things I needed to do during these three days were a variety of errands. I was home, so I agreed to do them all. Having no idea how long it can take to go to the bank, buy cat food, and get dinner fixings, I set out to get them done in less than an hour so I could start writing. Only to find the bank doesn’t open until nine. The pet store at ten. I learned really fast getting everything out of the way right after dropping the girls off was about as likely as finding a unicorn in my driveway holding a million dollars.

2. It’s Lonely – I am an introvert by nature, but being home alone all day really tests that. I found myself keeping iTunes on at all times, and eventually reaching out to others through Twitter. Sad, I know. But there it is.

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3. Distractions Abound – The internet is normally not much of a distraction for me, but then, I only have an hour a day to write. Easy enough to turn off distractions for that amount of time. A whole day? Suddenly, a whole lot harder.

4. Timers Need Not Apply – My first two days, I foolishly listened to advice that recommended setting timers for productivity and break time (50 minutes or so of writing followed by 10 minutes of doing stuff). This was hugely detrimental to me as I could sometimes write well over 50 minutes, and 10 minutes was sometimes too long and other times not long enough of a break period.

5. The Joy of “The Zone” – When you have carved out an hour a day to write, you guard that hour jealously and write during it no matter what. But when you have a whole day?  There is this magical zone, and once in it, you can do amazing things. No children to pull you out of it, no spouse talking about important things. It’s amazing how much you can accomplish. Or how much you can cut.

 

How about you?  You ever have a day or three just to write?  How did it work for you?