Elizabeth Drakes's Site

Fantasy Romance

guilt

Family: 2020 Mom

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Yes, I am a 2020 Mom.

That has meant a lot of time home with my children this year. More than I have ever had.

I work full time, and while I say I would have liked to stay home with my children, I think that is a lie perpetuated by society.

I love my kids. A lot. I would do a lot for them, including take them to dance class.

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Some are nice, but the mean ones are really mean.

I do not think I am cut out to be a stay-at-home mom. I give those who can do it kudos, but it isn’t for me. And that’s okay. I happen to really enjoy financial modeling, and that isn’t for everyone, either.

I thought this safer-at-home period would make things better. No requests from teachers to come in on a Friday morning to help set-up binders (I do have to wonder how schools would function without the amount of unpaid labor they get from volunteers).

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Seriously, give me your supply list and I will help out, but do NOT ask me to do arts and crafts with my kids.

Except now it seems like the whole world has a lot of time on their hands while I am busier than ever. My day job is crazy right now, but the sheer number of projects coming at us from school, family members, and even extracurricular activities has been mind-boggling.

I truly don’t have time to learn to a dance, study a foreign language, or develop video editing skills. I have been feeling lucky to get up enough energy to even sit down at my computer to maybe write a little at night after my children go to bed.

I’ve talked about stress and creativity before, and none of my tips and tricks to reduce stress have worked very well. I have cut myself off from most news, but I am still really struggling to stay positive and focused on more creative endeavors.

And the guilt of “am I spending enough time with my children” or “am I doing enough for my family” always rears its head.

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Because you must feel bad if you are not learning to code with your child.

Some of this is in my head, but I know that writing takes time. I am trying to maintain a reasonable cadence, and that means making time to actually write.

One thing is for certain, I have gotten very good at tuning out Breath of the Wild while my children play it and I try to sneak in another 45 minutes of writing time.

ZeldaBoTW
Three years later, it’s still an awesome game.

Burned Out

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I am burned out.

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I have been burning the candle at both ends, and as so many have said before, you can’t do that forever.

I’m a mom, corporate employee, spouse, writer, and person who exercises.

I just can’t be all of it the way I want all the time, and I’m paying the price.

 

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And here I gave up coffee…

I am no longer finding joy in writing.

I’m finding less happiness in blogging.

All of the branding and social media is exhausting. A more extroverted person might not find it so, but that’s not me. Few writers seem to be natural extroverts, though they do exist, and this whole use of personality to connect with readers is starting to seem spurious at best.

So, I unplugged. I took several days off of all social media, and no one missed me. Makes me think social media is a lot less social than its name implies.

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I haven’t exercised in over a week.

Rather than feeling tired and run down, I’m actually feeling better. Maybe the break was needed.

I haven’t written in 5 days. Not even over the weekend. It felt good.

No guilt at sneaking in a few words while the kids were playing or while I was doing housework. No race to the computer once the kids were in bed.

I don’t know what this means for me long term. Perhaps it’s the wake-up call I need to get my priorities straight and realize I can’t do everything I want and need to do.

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I’ve spent the last 2.5 years working on my writing. The last 1.5 years adding a blog and other social branding to the mix. I have yet to publish a book. I don’t even have an agent.

A growing part of me says to self-publish and be done. Put the work I’ve already done out there and walk away. But I can’t do that without feeling disingenuous.

If my self-published work fails, which it most likely will, I won’t know how it could have done if I pushed forward and kept up the branding. If I had a back list. Or if I’d tried, really tried, and succeeded in landing a publisher like Avon that know the Romance market.

I’ve walked away from writing before. Many times before. It demands so much, and there are so many other things in life that need me.

Demon
Is this the doubt-demon making an appearance? Again…

Perhaps I just need a break. A chance to catch my breath. To ignore my muse for a while so she’ll want to come back (she can be fickle like that).

Or maybe I need to take a long break and ease back. I already know I will never be a full time writer. We depend on my corporate America income.

 

Have you ever come to a point where you know something has to give? Where you’re feeling frazzled, burned out, and like you aren’t always present in the moment? What did you do about it? What choices did you make? How did you deal with it?

Guilt

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Guilt is an insidious little bastard. Creeping into your thoughts and feelings and making you feel bad even when you shouldn’t.

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I feel guilty most mornings for snuggling with my toddler rather than getting up and exercising. I use my lunch hour to catch-up on work most days so I don’t have to stay late, otherwise I sneak in a little writing. And my evenings with 2 kids are chaotic, and exercising too late makes it hard to get to sleep. So, if I’m going to exercise, it has to be in the morning.

But that means giving up precious snuggle time. Time I won’t get in a year. I love the way she cuddles, and when she’s finally ready to wake up, she leans over and gives me kisses. Then she sits up and starts babbling. We “talk” for a few minutes then get up and start our day together. I work full time away from her, so these mornings are precious.

To hell with morning exercise and what I “should” do. Not giving up morning snuggles. And not feeling bad about it so it diminishes the experience. I’ll have to be more creative and figure something out at night. Or squeeze in a short walk at lunch. Something is better than nothing, and I’m not compromising my precious time with DD2.

And I’m done feeling guilty about it.

Just like I’m done feeling guilty about “not writing”. I’ve finished one book including rewrites and finished a second book including a first rewrite. All in 1.5 years. With two children, a spouse, and a full time job.

I should be proud, not guilty. And if I want to take a week or two off to percolate ideas, I’ll consider it a creative rest.

No guilt.

It robs me of enjoying a few weeks to let the creative juices flow, to let new and interesting ideas percolate, and to recharge my battery.

I’m going to enjoy my time thinking about new characters, just as I am going to enjoy morning toddler snuggles.