Family

The Worst Kind of News

November 13, 2019 by Elizabeth Drake

We received the worst kind of news.

What we thought was a sinus infection wasn’t. Our kitty has malignant cancer. Inoperable. Untreatable.

He will be five in December. He has grown up with my daughters. Made them laugh. Frustrated them. Been a part of the family.

I can’t believe we don’t have more time with him. He’s still so kitten-like in so many ways. Even now, he plays with his foil balls when he as the energy.

By the time you read this, he may well be gone. They have given us a week to six months for him, but I can already see the decline.

After losing our last cat, I didn’t want to get close again. Didn’t want to go through this again. I kept telling myself and my husband it was his cat. He was the one that got him, it was his cat.

But we both knew the truth as the cat curled up on my lap night after night. And denying it hasn’t helped lessen the pain at all.

I sit with him flopped across me, as he loves to do, with my laptop beside me. Wishing we had more time. Wishing it didn’t hurt so much. Wishing for answers that will never come.

Family: Parenting Is Hard. Especially for an Introvert

August 15, 2019 by Elizabeth Drake

Not that I thought parenting was going to be easy, but it is so much harder than I thought it was going to be.

I love my kids. I love snuggling with them, hearing about their days, and seeing them grow as people. They are amazing.

But I honestly think parenting is even harder if you are an introvert.

I’ve learned to tolerate the hour a day it takes to pick them up from school.

I still dislike sitting through dance class week after week, but I manage, mostly because I plan ahead with books and snacks for the child stuck sitting with me.

Then there is all the other things you have to remember to do, like buying new fall jackets after they lost theirs at the zoo. Or, just in general, noticing their pants are getting too short or they need new socks and underwear. There’s the yearly purchase of winter gear etc.

These are all things I can handle. I may not be good at them, but I an handle them.

Then there are other things that you feel obligated to do because kids should experience them even if you would really rather not. Really, really rather not.

Like the children’s museum.

Or a water park.

Or state fair.

I hate crowds. Hate them.

Too many people. Too much noise. Too many distractions.

I feel overloaded.

Add to that trying to keep track of two children in the middle of all of that, one who wants to go, go, go, and the other who wants to walk slowly and observe everything and you have an introvert’s nightmare.

This was brought home to me when I made the mistake of going to the state fair with my husband and kids.

Before children, we never went to the state fair. It was of no interest to us. Then some friends invited us to go with and bring the girls. My husband took them, and I stayed home. My allergies thanked me, and he and the kids had a great time, and I got some quiet alone time. Win-win.

Then this year there was a spate of shootings right before they went to the fair.

Fueled by fear, I begged my husband not to take the kids. The last place I wanted them to be was another large public venue.

He said he wouldn’t live life in fear, he’d promised the kids the fair, and they were going with our friends.

I am not entirely certain why I chose to go other than fear. Fear that I wouldn’t be there to protect my little ones if the unthinkable happened. Not that I could do much other than throw myself over top of them, but it still seemed like a smart idea in our quiet home that morning.

It wasn’t a good idea.

The fair is everything I hate.

Hot. Crowded. Overstimulated and Bored.

Is that possible to be overstimulated and bored at the same time?

I wouldn’t have thought so, but it is. I felt assaulted by smells from food vendors, noise from the crowds and bands, and the visual panoply of booths, rides, and people. Add to that the heat, the low grade fear from the evening news, and the very real need to keep a close eye on two energetic kids.

But none of this entertained me.

I couldn’t enjoy my time with our friends as I was too stressed. Sitting and waiting for my kids to get off of rides was not exactly exciting. And the heat made eating less desirable. Even when I was hungry, nothing tasted all that good because of the assault of smells from everything else.

Still, I tried my best to give my kids a great time. This was made all the more difficult by not knowing what to expect, so being unprepared for it.

My husband is great at going with the flow of things, and I figured he had everything all set for the big day.

Love him dearly, but no.

I will stick to what I am better at.

Next year, when/if he takes the kids, I will stay home. I will make sure he has enough cash, sunscreen, and water bottles packed in a backpack. I will make sure he has tickets and ride bracelets. I will make sure they have a spectacular time.

While I enjoy the quiet.

I accept I am an introvert. This means there are some thing I won;t be able to give my kids other parents can. I also think this means we are not doing Disney.

Lean In?

June 27, 2019 by Elizabeth Drake

I have never denied how busy I am or how many more hours I would like in a day.

Spouse, children, day job, writing, family…I never feel like I have enough time for everything.

When time management books tell me to cut back on my television time…I can’t tell you the last thing I watched for me. Yes, I have watched Nailed It with the kids, and I have seen waaay more than my fair share of Octonauts. But other than that, I have not watched TV or movies for myself in ages.

And now I consider whether or not I should take a more active role in my girls’ love of dance. I will never be a “dance mom”, and I will never see dance as more than an enjoyable way for them to move their bodies and get some exercise. We live in a really cold state. It’s an indoor sport. Seems like a good fit.

And they love it.

My youngest daughter was running around the house pretending to be Link from Legend of Zelda wielding her sword and shield and taking on “bad guys”.

Why, yes, she does have gamer parents. Why do you ask?

When it was time to go to her dance recital, she was singing the theme song to Dino Trucks as we got her dressed in her beautiful purple sparkly dance dress kind of like this one.

I love the variety little girls have to choose from today!

Dinotrux — Daughter’s favorite show ever.

She was so excited to be going to her dance recital, and she couldn’t wait to show us “her moves”. My little one, who is normally not a fan of the spotlight, got up on stage in front of a sold-out theater and did her best.

My oldest daughter overcame stage fright so she could dance.

Not sure I am allowed to admit this, but I am amazed how graceful and coordinated she is on stage! If you saw her off stage…

We are also blessed that we found a dance studio that truly is inclusive. The girls range in size from almost six feet tall to barely five feet. Some are thin some are not and some are very heavy. But all move together beautifully, and I love seeing the diversity on stage. I love seeing girls, of any size or shape, dancing and enjoying the freedom of movement.

Of course, now my oldest daughter wants to do “everything”.

Dance is expensive. Then, you have to drive them to class and wait for them. And she has a sister who will want to do “everything” with her.

As we’re trying to figure out transportation, which classes we can actually do, how many is “too many”, etc, I am also asking myself if I should be more involved.

Should I volunteer for things? If this is really going to be important to my daughters, how much should I get involved?

Do I want to?

Well, no.

Do I want to doing something with my girls that’s important to them?

Of course.

I am just not sure how all of this works. What the right path is.

It’s all new territory to me. And the parenting books forgot to mention this back when we were trying to learn all about the joys and pitfalls of children.

Tired of Feeling Bad for Being a Working Mom

May 23, 2019 by Elizabeth Drake

Can you tell I am trying to figure out summer care, dance class schedules, and school transportation?

There are plenty of articles out there answering why people are choosing to not have children at all or are having far fewer than they would like.

I did choose to have them even with several of these misgivings, and I am tired of feeling bad for doing so while being a working mom.

I am also tired of a society designed around having one parent that stays at home if you do have children.

Yeah, those free Tuesday morning dance camp e-mails always get a scowl.

Don’t believe that the system isn’t designed for working parents? I know, it can be hard to believe that in 2019 the school system can still think it’s 1953, so here are some of my challenges.

My daughter is in school for a total of seven hours a day. That includes her lunchtime and recess.

Seven.

I have to work eight for it to be a full day, and my lunchtime is not considered part of my workday. That means even with my relatively short 20 minute commute, I am almost three hours short on the amount of time she’s in school versus the amount of time I am at work or traveling to and from work.

So, I pay for “wrap-around” care. On top of daycare for my youngest, and my youngest’s daycare costs us the equivalent of having a second mortgage payment each month.

did-you-sign-me-up-for-daycare-yes-what-did-35755895.png — College in my state is cheaper.

And the article linked above wonders why people think daycare is too expensive.

Of course, you could stay home. Always an option. But as many other articles have noted, you’re paying a premium for that both in terms of total lifetime earnings, but also in terms of promotion and advancement opportunities. Being “mommy tracked” in my industry is a career-limiting-move.

And, frankly, I love my kids. I would do almost anything for them, but I suck at dealing with kids. I have no training in it, and even now, I regularly feel sorry for my kids that they got stuck with me instead of someone that has a clue how to raise them.

Do you know how many parenting books I read?

Do you know how many were helpful?

Yeah, none. Because as I learned, kids don’t follow manuals.

They eventually outgrow daycare, so you’re “just” paying for the wrap-around care. Then there’s the extracurricular activities. Back when I was a kid, these were truly “extra”. Now, the amount of pressure to have your kid in everything is amazing.

What do you mean your child isn’t in soccer, ballet, basketball, volleyball, and taking piano lessons?!? What kind of parent are you?

One that works.

All of these extra-curricular activities require transportation to and from them (not to mention the additional cost). Because of course I can leave work at 3pm to fetch my daughter and have her to dance class before 4pm. /end sarcasm.

And I am not alone. In families with both parents still living together, almost 50% are dual income households.

And driving their kids places is a significant stressor.

I need a self-driving car just to cart my daughter to and from her activities. Which, I limited her to two because I truly believe kids need time to play and engage their imagination.

There’s that writer in me.

Why I Disagree with Internships

May 9, 2019 by Elizabeth Drake

A bit of a segue from my normal writing discussion, but something that has been bothering me for a long time.

Unpaid Internships

I have been frustrated with the rise of unpaid internships. That someone, somewhere, thinks it’s okay to ask people to work, to provide value, and then not to pay them for that work. Sure, the intern is learning something, but then so am I much of the time I’m at work. And I still expect to be paid for it.

All the stranger that the government allows companies to use workers without paying those workers and the corresponding taxes that should go with those workers. Or, maybe not.

Paid Internships

I hadn’t thought much of paid internships until I was having lunch with the director of engineering and he was talking up a candidate he was interviewing. The young man was a sophomore in college who already had extensive international engineering experience after two high profile internships.

Experiencebeforeexperience — Because that’s totally reasonable.

I reviewed the candidate’s resume, and while it was good, I asked the engineer how he thought the young man got such prestigious internships so early in his academic career. After some discussion, the engineer agreed it was unusual. He chalked it up to the candidate being stellar and went on to make the young man an offer.

The candidate didn’t accept with us, so I never met him. But a part of me suspects there was more to it than a brilliant young mind. After years of watching my company’s internship program, I’ve learned a few things.

Poor kids usually don’t do internships. They can’t afford a car to drive to the facility. They can’t afford to pay room and board in addition to whatever agreements they’ve signed back at school. And most poor kids don’t have the connections to get their foot in the door in the first place.

That young man with the incredible internship experiences before sophomore year? I can almost guarantee there was some family connection there. Sure, he did the internship, but he got it through established privilege. And the internship masked the privilege as merit.

That one candidate really made me pause to examine the entire internship program. If internships were as prevalent when I was in school as they are today, would I have been able to land the first job I did that propelled me through my career? Or is this another way to limit social mobility while masking it as meritocracy?

I’m not sure.

But internships are not about to go away, so I think it’s something we should all be asking ourselves.

Growing Old

April 11, 2019 by Elizabeth Drake

We recently visited my grandmother and my extended family. They live almost seven hours from us, and there is no easy way to get there by airplane. It’s not a trip we make often, though I wish it was easier so we could. Two kids in a car for seven hours is no one’s idea of fun.

My grandmother lives in a very rural part of the country, and she has neither cable TV nor internet. It made for an interesting trip for kids whose hospital pictures we took with our iPad. They learned to appreciate Netflix a whole lot more when we got back to the hotel.

My mom made the trip as well, and she took my oldest daughter in her car with her. This allowed my husband and me time to reconnect. We had seven hours in the car with minimal distractions other than talking to each other. I was reminded how much he makes me laugh, what a good partner he is, and how supportive he is.

Sometimes in the rush of kitchen remodels, making supper, doing dishes, and running the kids to school and dance class you can lose sight of these things. Makes me realize how much we must start making time for date nights.

The other thing the trip made me realize is that we’re growing old.

Yeah. Harsh.

But true.

I remember standing at the same sink my daughter was at to wash her hands when I had to stand on tiptoes to reach the faucet. She can already reach the faucet.

I remember when “the back room” seemed like this huge, cavernous space. Now, it’s like any other room.

I remember when her back yard seemed huge and to stretch on forever. It’s actually a relatively small yard.

It’s also hard for me to think of my uncle’s as grandfathers now, though they are. I remember when I was first visiting my grandmother, and my one uncle still lived at home while he was in school. Now, his kids are grown and on their own.

Time marches on.

While our vacation wasn’t a trip to Mexico or Disney World, it did let us see family and give me time with my husband. Not exactly a Pinterest trip, but that’s okay. This gave me a chance to reflect and remember what is important, even if it also reminded me of how much has changed.

What I do with that lesson is now up to me.

Family

Unpaid Internships

Paid Internships

Footer

Connect with me on social media

Looking for something specific?